|The land is beautiful and frozen. I'm cold and clumsy|
These cold winters remind me of my childhood. I struggled with Asthma every winter because of allergies to all things indoors. Close up the house, and my bronchi follow suit. Sometimes the only remedy among nebulizers, inhalers, steroids, and pills was to go outside and let the cold air in(a rather unscientific approach). I'd have attacks that refused to let me sleep. Many nights, my mother or father would carry around outside to calm my inflamed airways and help me relax. As time went on and I got older(and heavier), I either didn't want to bother anyone, or was told that I knew what to do. I don't have any recollection of times when I've been more certain that I was going to die. I suppose having no air in one's lungs will do that.
I'd wander around in the yard at night, crunching my feet into the snow, taking deep breaths in and feeling the air make its way in. I was terrified often, alone in the darkness around our rural Michigan home. The sensations that stay with us over time are fascinating. I can feel the itchy liners of my boots because I didn't bother to put socks on. The frozen air would rush up the sleeves of a baggy coat. Lights on in the house became further and further away, and illuminated my foggy breath less and less as I slowly plodded around. Moving and feeling the cold air felt rejuvenating. There was no magic amount of time it took to breathe more freely, but I learned that until I really relaxed, I was just faking it. It was a scary thing for a rather fearful child like me to face. I couldn't just say to myself, "okay, it's been long enough. I'm cold and I heard a sound. Good enough. I feel better." The fear and breathlessness had to truly subside. It had to be real before I could sleep.
I'm not particularly motivated to train right now, but getting outside is helping me keep it all together. I suppose that's the good part about being a recreational athlete. Also, there are snow angels to be made.
|a blurry picture of me smiling to offset the gloomy nature of this post.|