Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Where did the Joy Go? Insomniac Babbling

As I mentioned in my last post, this weekend's race didn't go so well. I have compiled the following list of lame excuses, which are actually just mistakes of arrogance:

-Losing 3lbs at work the night before, and not diligently replacing it(my work was over 100 degrees)
-Not eating a decent meal the night before(three tacos from Taco Bell...but that Doritos shell is magnificent)
-Being on a 2nd shift sleep schedule, and then getting up at 5:20am(result:2 hours sleep)
-Forgetting my "security blanket" Garmin in the car(its a flat, straight course, so mile splits help immensely).

...and these problems were before the race.

They're all things that I did wrong leading up to the race, so I still take responsibility. Nobody to blame but me. Despite these setbacks, I regrouped myself after getting sick, ran a decent race, and finished with a sub seven mile. I spent some time with a new friend, and still finished in the top third despite giving up and walking for 35 minutes. My time and pace were disappointing to me. What does this mean?

I've got my head up my ass,
I compared this running of the Kal Haven to my more successful and faster race of two years ago, and realized that I was a different person then. I took it seriously, but because I wanted to squeeze every bit of enjoyment from it. This time, I didn't take it seriously, and didn't enjoy it. Doesn't this fly in the face of the hobbyjogger code?

I've quit running ultras for my own enjoyment. What I'm now doing it for, I have no idea. It's time to put a stop to that. The small bits of success that I've had have caused me to turn this hobby into a job. The problem with that is that I've never had a job I liked. The word "job" has a connotation to me that says "obligation" or "commitment." The same old grind gets old, even when it comes to recreation.

I know that rediscovering myself won't be like turning on a light switch. Hell, I may have to abandon running altogether to do it. I hope it won't come to that because I've got one hell of a nice collection of shorts that would look weird anywhere else.

The plan is to rediscover adventure, and to remain the outsider. Being the small fish in the big pond always kept me full of wonder and humility(is calling yourself humble a sign of arrogance?). This has proven true in all aspects of my life and not just my jogging habit. I've always been happier with a B+ without studying than an A with a cram session. As a good friend once told me "The A students are the business owners, the B students are the movers and shakers." I forget what C students are. Either teachers or strippers I think. Thanks JP.

That was a cloudy explanation. How about this: I'm going back to being a "jogger." I had more fun, felt more balanced, and was more successful. I'm not in pursuit of athletic greatness, but rather the next thrill.  Anyone who wishes to pass judgement on that can kindly kiss my ass.
Raise a glass to finding ourselves, won't you?
To the never ending search.


1 comment:

  1. Maybe you need to wear a superhero costume for your races? Or DFL with a group of slackers like myself. The great part about that is there's ALWAYS room for improvement like you said. Never race to win or you fuck it all up. Ha! Actually, I'm hoping I get to see you and the Robillards again when you come run TRT.